Have you ever seen those cartoons that you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? They remind me of the constant battle of good and evil that happens to every one of us each day. Some more than others but we all deal with it.Temptation is a horrible thing when you listen to the dark side. I know it sounds like something off of Star Wars but what do I mean? God is light but satan on the other hand is darkness. Why is God the light because his son who died for us (Jesus Christ) to be our light so we will be forgiven. There cannot be darkness where there is light.
Sometimes it feels like satan has a bull horn just screaming at you and God is a little tiny whisper. I use to live like that. Always in the darkness but hardly ever in the light. It is like a battle inside of you that the darkness and the light is fighting for you and you are in the middle of this battle. It is like you are the rope in the tug of war contest and satan is pulling on one end and God is pulling you on the other and you are being pulled apart at the arms. 
I use to do a type of self-mutilation (and as a kid by accident)that scared me for life. I use to hit my head on hard objects. Not too hard but enough. Evey time I wanted to do it harder but it felt like someone was holding my head back from doing that. To me that was God doing that.
Then I started punching stuff. I had a hand so bruised and swelled up I could hardly used it. I didn't go to the hospital because I know where they would put me. In the inpatiant mental hospital where it was horrible conditions, Brown County Mental Health Center (the outpaitent is great though). 
Then was the eating disorders, binge eating disorder, anorexia, then more binge eating disorder and then last but not least bulimia. When I was anorexic I though the thinner I got the happier I would get. I never got happy and I got down to 109 and for a 5'6" person who should be about 150 that was thin. 
I was also a perfectionist. For tests I would study day and night around my exercises which was a lot of time. About 2 hours a day. I would get the tests back and even though I got a A almost every time I was looking at my mistakes like a failure. 
The drug addiction was horrible. Taking pain killers, muscle relaxers and diet pills. I even took anxiety meds in excess one time when I relapsed. A horrible thing to do to a persons liver. 
I also for many years was suicidal. In and out of mental hospitals more times I can count on my fingers and toes. I was in the darkest part of the darkness. I would pray to God to take me so I didn't have to do it myself. He never did and I thank him for that. 
Shopaholism was a big thing with me. My bipolar was bad so my shopaholic was bad. The choking game I also did. If that phrase lier lier pants on fire my pants would be on fire since age 7. I was being abused at home at that time and at first to make a life different than what I had. Then when I got older it grew from there to no good reason to lie except when I would lie to get some attention. I lied to cop one too many time that almost got me in jail one time and got me a $400 ticket.
After all of these years with Satan with a bull horn I figured out what I was missing and what I needed. I need the light. I need God. So on October 16, 2005 I got baptized. I am a believer. I had to shrug off satan's darkness and go to the light. My Mom for many years was praying I would do that. 
There is sometimes I want the attention to be on me but I think now the attention needs to be on God. This year I will be fighting the worst demons I still have left of me. My social phobia and anxiety. I will be out in full force sharing the good news through standing on street corners with posters for all people can see. I feel this is the right thing to do. It has been come clearer to me that people are not thinking of God with the last thought. I want to help bring there darkness in them to the light. 
Doing this is going to confront my anxiety and my social phobia. I will soon see who is more powerful. Satan or God. I am ready for the challange.
If this blog opened up your heart to the light please pray:Jesus I'm a sinner. You died for my sins. Please forgive me God! I recieve you today and for the rest of my life. In Jesus' Holy Name, AMEN!!!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
